Sunday, July 5, 2009

Declaration of Dependence: Happy (belated) Birthday USD!

As America adds another number to its age, we all grow a little closer to global bankruptcy.
In "money-years", 233 is surely geriatric. Decrepit and wearing adult diapers, our once mighty currency has ceased making sense, babbling incoherently about days long past.
"When I was your age we could buy a house for a nickel! You kids have it easy with your zipdrives and your flipflops and your stereophonic ideas. Where's my keys? Dagnabbit! the slaves escaped again! Who'll fix my fence?!"
Oh Gramps.... it's not like that anymore. Times have changed.
You don't have the strength that you had in your youth. It's not that people don't respect your accomplishments, Gramps, they do. However, age affects us all, and you've become a burden on your children. I'm sorry to say, they can't take care of you anymore, they don't have the patience or the training.
No, Gramps, please, take that out of your mouth. George isn't here. George has been dead for decades. Okay, I give up, I'll call social services.

(telephone ringing) Hello? Hi, this is America. Yes, our Grandpa Dollar is becoming far too dependent on the children we haven't yet had. Everyone's getting a little worried. We're having some serious problems taking care of him. What we need is a good recommendation for an assisted-care living facility, with a relatively short waiting list, that can fit into his insurance plan. None? Really? Not even in Switzerland? Oh I see. Yes, I understand. Thank you for your help.


Shit. I guess we're on our own. Happy freekin birthday!

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